So the 2006 Golden Globes are over and you can see all the winners right here. Yeah, so what! Here on the West Coast the show isn’t broadcast until 8PM PST and I am here to give you the run-down as the action unfolds… Here goes:
7:51pm – The cast of “Will and Grace” is on the Red Carpet and answering questions. Here’s the doozy; “Did “Will & Grace” pave the way for Brokeback Mountain?” The cast tries to handle the question in stride. Oh yeah, you betcha, two New York gay guys, two gay cowboys, the parallels are all over the place. It’s just like how Chinese food paved the way for Hero.
7:53 – The Golden Globes look they are coming to me live from an apartment building complex. Where do they hold these things?
7:56 – Dean Cain lets us know he enjoyed watching the Golden Globes from the other side as an announcer/interviewer. Get used to it Dean. Lots of enjoyment in your future.
8:00 – It’s the 63rd Golden Globes. I remember the first one like it was yesterday, we took the buggy to the theatre after seeing a “talky”.
8:02 – Hey, Jenny McCarthy is still alive, call off the search guys!
8:03 – Mariah Carey’s dress… when you want to look like a prostitute.
8:05 – A remake of the Pussycat Dolls song “Don’t Cha” that’s so appalling jokes won’t do justice. Nice to know the Dolls won’t sell out for less than four dollars. Guys, be at my house later on, k?
8:09 – George Clooney pulls down the first Globe for Syriana. They shouldn’t be allowed to give it to Clooney because he’s too smooth and never weird. In other words, no material at all.
8:11 – Rachel Weisz wins for The Constant Gardener. That’s fair too. The Globes are usually pretty, just in my opinion, I just wish I knew who the heck this Hollywood Foreign Press was (and if we can tap their phone lines). I also wonder why they ignored her work in The Mummy.
8:19 – Paul Newman wins for “Empire Falls” and doesn’t show. Evidently he was too busy making salad dressing. I didn’t even know “Empire Falls” was a show. I’m seeing way too many movies.
8:21 – Sandra Oh wins for “Grey’s Anatomy”. They had her seated about 80 rows back and she’s got to hump it to get to the podium. “Grey’s Anatomy” is one of my favorite shows, she deserves it. Unfortunately she’s on some form of speed during her speech… it’s a level four breakdown around here. No wonder the guy from “Wings” dropped her in that wine movie. Andre Rivas shout-out!
8:27 – Drew Barrymore and her nipples let us know the first best film nominee is Good Night, and Good Luck.
8:30 – The President of the Hollywood Foreign Press is in fact a vampire. Leadership takes all forms folks.
8:33 – Geena Davis wins for “Commander in Chief”. But where is her fly baby??
8:37 – The Guy from “House” wins. I got nothing.
8:45 – Melanie Griffith has a tat? Huh. It looks very classy.
8:48 – I have not seen one minute of one show of any of the nominees for Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for TV category. “Empire Falls” wins though. Hey, I’ve heard of that one. Paul Newman stars in it, right?
8:50 – Pamela Anderson comes out as a black and white cookie. Steve Carell wins for his work in “The Office”. Carell could pee on stage right now and still get $10 million for his next film. The man is hot.
9:00 – Reese Witherspoon wins for Walk the Line. She was great in that movie, well deserved. She’s also decided to wear golden armor to the Golden Globes which makes her the shoo-in for the “best costume” award.
9:05 – Mary Louise Parker wins for one of them television awards. That’s the beauty of the Golden Globes, they make all the movie stars come down and slum with TV folks for just one night. UPDATE: I just saw Dean Cain passing out resumes in the crowd.
9:10 – Emma Thompson announces Pride and Prejudice, the most underrated film of the year. You heard it here first.
9:15 – Kate Beckinsale is as hot as Jonathan Rhys Myers is creepy and Irish. So yeah, quite a lot then.
9:18 – S. Epatha Merkerson wins best actress for mini series or TV movie for “Lackawanna Blues”. There goes my freakin’ office bracket right down the tubes.
9:28 – Virginia Madsen and the gals give Brokeback Mountain a Golden Globe for breast, I mean best screenplay… and hey, when the hell did Harrison Ford turn into a genie? Really Harrison, an earring?
9:30 – I’m typing so fast I just strained my Lackawanna.
9:38 – A crowd shot just showed William H. Macy gets a better seat than Pierce Brosnan. Sorry pal, you were James Bond.
9:41 – Paradise Now wins best foreign language film in a major upset. I totally had Rocky VI in that category.
9:48 – John Williams wins for best score with Memoirs of a Geisha. Mandatory pun alert: I never want to think about John Williams, scoring and Geisha’s in the same sentence again.
10:02 – Anthony Hopkins is receiving the Cecil B. deMille Award and Gwyneth Paltrow keeps pronouncing his name Antony… Last time I checked “H” makes a sound. At least after a “T” it does, or is everyone pronouncing “the” wrong? Could it actually be te? Hello? Anyone? Is this thing on? If we’re not going by spelling please call me L’remy from here on out. Tony just thanked the grips showing all those people who called that job “thankless” just how wrong they are. My boy Ant just gave you mad props.
10:15 – Ang Lee wins Best Director and I’m calling him the best Chinese director ever to win a Golden Globe for a gay western. I always get burned when I make these bold blanket statements. Te ting is tese tings are tricky.
10:26 – Tim McGraw rolls out with a GIANT hat to introduce Walk the Line. You could land a cargo plane on that puppy.
10:28 –Walk the Line wins for best musical or comedy. Pride and Prejudice was nominated too. What do these films have in common? Could it be that neither of them is a musical or a comedy? I mean, yeah, they had music and elements of comedy in them but so does every other film in the world (except for The Honeymooners). Whatever, I just hope I finally get my nomination for best astronaut.
10:40 – Dennis Quaid just said Brokeback Mountain was a film that rhymed with “chick flick”. Whatever could he mean? Trick flick? Kick flick? Quick flick? My imagination is running wild over here.
10:50 – My man Hoffman wins for Capote. I feel like I could really hang out with Phillip Seymour Hoffman, plays cards, do shots, prank call people and whatnot. I don’t have a joke here; it’s more of an invitation for Phil to call me so we can start super budding it up.
10:55 – Brokeback Mountain wins Best Drama and Best bow-tie usage in one fell swoop. Is this a preview of the Oscars? Smarter folks than me have to tackle that one. They’ll probably start tomorrow.
So it’s all over but the crying and revisionist history. The Golden Globes didn’t disappoint with new pronunciation and movie classification lessons all around. Until next time I’m out like a trout! To check out the full list of winners along with all previous winners click here.
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