Cornered!

ON

Coming to DVD Tuesday, June 1

Cast:

Steve Guttenberg as Morty

Peter Story as Donny

Elizabeth Nicole as Jess

James Duval as Jimmy

Eduardo Antonio Garcia as Steve

Ellia English as Mona

Directed by Daniel Maze

Review:

I know what you are thinking … Steve freaking Guttenberg in a horror flick? The master of the Police Academy franchise. The good boy in Cocoon. The lovable louse in Short Circuit. The scene=stealer in 3 Men and a Baby. Now, after all those ground-breaking roles, he’s been reduced to low-budget bit roles in horror flicks.

Not to worry, he plays a key, albeit small, role in the flick.

Cornered! is typical direct-to-DVD schlock. A whole slew of nobody actors (minus Guttenberg), cheap lighting, terrible acting, one hot chick in skimpy clothing, terrible props, one set, a masked killer that takes way too long to kill everyone and lame twists that everyone sees coming.

I love that this clunker has an exclamation point at the end because apparently those in the crew thought it needed a little extra boost for people to consider renting it. “Hmm, I wasn’t going to rent this title, but that damn exclamation point has me interested…” Cornered! Not just the usual types of cornering or the act of being in a corner or having the troubled kid sit in the corner. But Cornered! Just like Vice President Biden said… This is a big f***ing deal.

Cornered! takes place entirely in a convenience store. Seriously, there are no other sets or locations. So right away, the scares are severely limited because there’s only so much you can do in a small building. There a group of co-workers settle down for a good game of poker only to be caught in a deadly game with a serial killer.

And it’s the worst convenience store ever. First off, there’s like a dozen employees for a 7-11-esque place. Secondly, all they do is talk. Talk about winning money. Talk about a serial killer. Talk about donuts. Talk about bugs. Talk about poker. Talk about the most annoying thing in the world. Talk about phone sex. About 30 minutes into the film, all you have been watching is an über-lame version of Clerks.

As soon as the action begins (and like I said it takes a while), the employees, like lab rats, travel to where the killer is only to get taken out, yes, one-by-one. Obviously, originality isn’t one of the strong points to Cornered!

But it gets worse from there (believe it or not). As we have three minutes of static. A super-long cockroach hallucination. And dreadful cockroach CGI. Pepper spray to the eyes with little damage. Mexican hot sauce kung fu. Worst closed circuit camera system ever. Meat slicer to the abdomen. Ice cream cone of death. Instant daylight. Floating donut of doom. Very inappropriate credit rolling music. Plus, there’s this weird tan haze throughout the movie like they spilled coffee in the video prior to finalizing the production.

Needless to say, this isn’t a winner and it is more laughable than anything else. If you are looking for scares, definitely look elsewhere because this one doesn’t supply them at all.